My story began with a trip to the Canadian Forces base in Petawawa, Ont., in the fall of 2003.  At the time, I was studying journalism at Carleton University in Ottawa.

My radio skills professor asked everyone in my class to prepare a piece relating to Remembrance Day for a show that would air just before Nov. 11. I immediately thought about visiting the base in Petawawa. Two soldiers from there had recently died when their jeep hit a landmine near Kabul in Afghanistan. I wondered what the atmosphere on the base was like, and how families were feeling in the weeks leading up to Remembrance Day.

I met up with Anne Marie Benoit, a woman whose husband, Daniel, was serving overseas. It was Halloween, and she was taking her six kids trick-or-treating. Her children, who were between the ages of two and 11, were running all over the place.

I looked at Anne Marie and thought, "That poor woman. How can she handle this all by herself? She must ache for her husband." When I asked her how she coped with him being away, she said, “Well, you know, it’s really not that bad. You want to know when it’s really tough? When he comes back.”

My ears perked up. I assumed seeing your husband after a deployment was supposed to be the biggest relief and thrill for any military wife.

Later on at their home in Pembroke, I chatted with Anne Marie while the kids attacked their Halloween candy. She shared anecdotes about how well she was managing on her own.

“When I took the kids to the Carp fair, I wrote my cell-phone number down on each of their hands. So that if any of them got lost, someone would just have to look at their hand and call me and I’d find them.”

Anne Marie beamed when she told that story, and the one about how she fixed the toilet by herself, and another about how she got a stray animal out of her basement.

I was stuck on the comment she made about life being harder when Daniel came back. I asked her what she meant, and she said: “Well, when he’s gone, I have to run the place on my own, and if I do say so myself, I do a pretty good job of it. And then all of a sudden he comes back, and he wants to start taking control again, and I say ‘I don’t think so, buddy.’”

She talked about the frustration of suddenly having to share her bed again, and having to confer with someone on financial decisions. She said it usually takes the family at least a few months to adjust to him being home again.

“I don’t need someone looking over my back, questioning every cent I spend,” she said. “And he hasn’t been around for six months – so he can’t expect the kids to just come running whenever he calls.”

I never imagined anyone would feel so anxious about seeing their husband again. I thought reunions were supposed to be exciting and romantic.

The next day, I hung out at the military family resource centre on the base. I talked to young kids and teenagers about how they felt when their mother or father returned home.

The most common response was “tense.” Many said they didn’t know who to listen to: their mother, who’s been playing double-duty for six months, or their dad, who wants to run the house again when he comes back.

Nancy Lounsbury, a social worker on the base, told me many families struggle during that time. She’s worked with hundreds of families, and seen many marriages break up as a result of the stress caused by reunion.

That became my story: the idea that being together again was often more difficult than being apart. What started off as a weekend trip to Petawawa for a school assignment became the focus for a 45-minute radio documentary for my master’s research project.

During the next few months, I kept in touch with Anne Marie and other military families. I spent time with them before and after the troops came home, and witnessed the anxiety and frustration they felt. They trusted me and allowed me into their homes, where I was able to record intensely personal moments.

When troops return from deployment, there are often stories about happy homecomings and tearful reunions, and that’s where the coverage usually ends. My documentary picked up where most stories leave off: when families must learn how to live together again, after being apart.

In November 2004, a condensed version of the documentary aired on The Current on CBC Radio One. A division of Foreign Affairs is now planning on incorporating the piece into a reintegration program aimed at helping families cope with deployment. 

Before I worked on this project, I knew little about military life – and I believe that worked to my benefit.

The families appreciated my interest and curiosity, and responded generously. Through the process, I learned about the tremendous sacrifices made by these husbands, wives and children, and why saying hello again is often harder than saying goodbye.

To listen to the documentary, please visit: http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/2004/200411/20041105.html

Ann Lang is now working as a freelance journalist in Montreal.